If I Could Choose a SuperPower, I Would Cheat Time. . . Maybe

It was an illusory feeling standing at the foot of my son’s hospital bed, watching him struggle for breath through his mouth, painfully trying to swallow discharge down a swollen throat, nose stuffed full of splints, tubes and cords snaked all over his chest and arms and legs.  I’ve never had to see any of my children in this scenario, and a sense of helplessness washed over me.  For so many years of his life I’ve been around to cradle and cajole, to influence and irritate, to discipline and direct, to help and to harass, a constant source (and force) in his life to reckon with.  Isn’t that a mom’s job?  To shepherd a lamb along until they become self-sufficient and independent?  Even though this surgery was elective to help his sleep disorder, I was a little anxious as he signed his name to the anesthesiology form, outlining a myriad of side effects, including death that could happen in the next 2 hours.  This is the part of mothering that I don’t like.  I can’t ease the pain, I can’t accelerate the healing and I can’t make time move faster. I can’t do anything proactively to influence the situation.  The only thing I can do is be here, letting him see my face as he drifts in and out of consciousness, as the minutes slowly tick by, as the hospital noise and traffic beat their routine drum. I hope I still have that steadying influence in his life to at least let him know he’s not alone here.

 

We consciously chose this bridge, and there’s no skipping steps to get to the other side.  Things will work out okay and eventually he will heal up and be back on his proverbial feet.  But the urge to cheat time and skip ahead is real.  One of life’s lessons, I think.  Sometimes there is no way around, under, or over a problem – the only way is through.  Sometimes the path is so painful that we forget that there are learning opportunities open to us along the way.  Unpleasant realities happens to us – whether by our own choices or someone else’s – and our test (and opportunity) is to overcome our natural tendency to have a knee-jerk reaction, choosing instead to be proactive and consciously choosing a better way.   One of the purposes of this life is to be different when we get to the end.  If I don’t allow these hard things to soften my rough spots and chisel away my sharp edges, then what’s the purpose of life?   To float along at a leisurely pace and skate through life is against our very natures.  We were meant to thrive, to climb, to explore, to examine, to stretch.  To thrive means there has to be something to overcome, to climb means there's got to be a mountain, to explore means that there must be uncharted territory, to examine means there must be some unknowns to try to understand.  Get the picture?  If not, then well, we’d still be content to live in caves.

My divorce is moving slowly.  In this situation I also want to cheat time and skip ahead.  I feel like I’m in a time warp and each day is a trek through glutinous gel.  I wade through uncertainty, impatience, small stages of anger, exasperation, and just general weariness as I slog through the mud.  And oh, the mud.  My STBX walked away from mediation and the settlement that was put on the table, and if I felt sorry for him before, that was nothing to what I feel now.  It is beyond my understanding how an intelligent man could make the choices he does.  I felt like my settlement was more than generous – only 5-1/2 years of alimony, when legally I could have asked for 29.  I wasn’t out for blood, I wasn’t out to strip him of assets in retaliation for his actions that betrayed me and my family.  I tried to keep a level head, just wanting out yet needing to feel secure enough for a few years to establish a self-supporting career and to finish college.

I keep finding assets that were not disclosed and the holes he’s digging for himself just keep getting deeper.  It seems his only way to respond is to plan escape routes to avoid consequences.  Every new thing I discover ramps up my protective wall, urging me to fortify my weak places.  I’m working hard to keep spite and anger and fear out of my decisions.  It would be easy to fall into these emotions and act from this premise.  What’s keeping me grounded is the desire to be able to look in the mirror at the end of this and not be ashamed of my decisions.  I’m being sorely stretched and squeezed.  The last thing I learned was that he’s intending to get me kicked out of my home very soon, and of course I had a spark of fear.  Not that I wouldn’t have a place to go – but it’s just one more “power play” to manipulate me and the system.  I know he’s hurting and I know he’s angry, but I just wish he’d kick someone else once in awhile.  I wish he’d blame someone else once in awhile.  I wish he’d own up once in awhile.  This is why when I'm tired I sometimes wish I could cheat time and just skip ahead. 

Thank goodness I know how to regenerate and rejuvenate myself.  When I'm thinking clearly I can envision a stronger woman on the other end, determined more than ever to actively heal the damage.  On the other end I will actively build up weak skills that would hinder a future relationship.  I can develop added strength (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) from jumping these hoops and hurdles that are set before me now.  These words are easy to say, and don't minimize the difficulty of what lies ahead, but I have faith for a better future and life.  And I know I don't stand alone and that "the way is prepared" for me to overcome whatever is ahead.  There's purpose and healing there, so instead of wishing "this" away or wishing for a "free pass", I will remember what I'm here for and soldier on, trying to tackle each step with integrity.  I can rely on God's help and the power of the Atonement.  I am his daughter and He will keep his promises.

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IMPERCEPTIBLE

I’ve been having a rough time with my physical goals lately. I’ll get in a good rhythm, then fail. Good rhythm, fail. Good rhythm, fail. When you have behavior like that, what follows for me is a lot of bad self-talk, disgust, lack of motivation, feeling-like-a-failure binge eating, and other destructive-types of behaviors – thankfully not all at the same time.

On a particular morning, after I’d missed yet another workout before work, grumbling at my lack of discipline, I noticed my back in the mirror. And it’ll probably be mostly women here who will relate, but there’s always been a nice – did I just write nice? -- little bulge by the bra-line. Some call it bra bulge, back fat, bra fat, underarm flab or back bulge…you get the picture. What caught my eye this morning, was the lack of bulge. Lack, ladies. Not perfectly toned and honed, not the disappearance of, but the lack. Yes, it seems that over time I really have been making progress. I was so astonished I caught myself just staring…. Was this a trick of the light? How come I hadn’t noticed this before? Well, I know why. It’s not often I look over my shoulder in the mirror for a peek.

What followed was an Ah-Ha for me, as I realized that just because I get out of rhythm, doesn’t mean that it takes away every minute of work I’ve put into something. Sometimes it feels that way and the negative self-talk tries to convince me otherwise, but it’s not true. My hard work evidence is still there, and if I keep standing back up, getting back on the wagon, rolling out of bed in the morning, making best choices 80% of the time – those changes are going to come – even if imperceptibly.

That goes for other areas of our lives as well. We are not super-humans and do everything right all of the time. We are mortals who have weaknesses and shortcomings, up days and down days. But while working on those weaknesses, if we slip and digress, we don’t go back to Square One. As reminded in a blog post I read the other day called “Drops of Awesome,” when we are actively on a good path, we are building, not taking away. It’s such a better frame of mind to applaud your good choices, rather than guilt yourself for the failures. In our want-it-now world, exercise faith that imperceptible changes are happening over time.

One more piece of evidence – I’ve been ‘out of rhythm’ getting to the gym since April. This morning? Made it to cycling. And guess what? I blasted out 16.5 miles! That is not only a new threshold for me, but I beat my best more than a mile :0) Imperceptible changes are happening in my strength that I didn’t even recognize. I worked hard in the class, but I wasn’t expecting mileage like that. I just kept going. The instructor in her usual upbeat banter told us that there was strength in our legs that we didn’t know about. Guess what? She was right. Imperceptible…. but still there. Read more!

BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD

Integrity, an elusive character trait that seems ephemeral in our day and age. The media is doing its job well of bringing some dirty truth to light: scams, deceitful business practices, lies to the public, corruption in government, preying on the poor or aged. One of the Conference talks I listened to today touched on integrity, and one sentence really touched a chord in my soul. In a story within that talk was a boy’s simple answer to his father: “I kept my promise because I said I would.”

“... because I said I would.”

Almost three decades ago, I made a promise to be honest with my fellowmen to the best of my ability. Making a promise such as this doesn’t guarantee a perfect record from the start, and most likely I will never have a perfect record. It took step-by-step conscious choices to get better and better at being honest with myself, my fellowmen and God. It’s been a slow process to say the least -- but I do recognize significant growth from where I started. My sense of self-respect has grown, I feel I can be a trustworthy friend and confidant, as well as feeling a greater sense that God is pleased with my path and pleased with the kind of person His daughter is becoming. Lying, stealing, cheating, deceiving -- I don’t think I had ever developed blatant habits of these dishonest practices; my struggle was with the seemingly small (but just as harmful) white lies to avoid confrontation and to manipulate outcomes. I had to become more sensitive to these, and develop the kind of integrity where I started thinking and doing what is right at all times, no matter what the consequences.

A few years back I was personally challenged to become even more exacting in my obedience -- and I honed my efforts in the area of honesty and integrity. I wanted to be the person who gave back the incorrect change. I wanted to be the person who could be counted on and completely trusted. I wanted to be able to speak without hypocrisy, to avoid misleading people by maybe not giving out all the facts. As I practiced these things, it became easier to choose the better way. So if you would have asked me to contemplate withholding important information five or so years ago, it would have been a no-brainer answer of No. Absolutely not.

Fast forward to today, where I am embroiled in a legal mess where one side is so flagrantly deceitful that the temptation to hit back tit-for-tat has been a constant battle in my head for months. It’s been especially pressing as I yearn for justice after many, many years of deceit, some known and some just coming to light. This appeal to be dishonest has really taken me by surprise. I thought I had conquered (for the most part) that corner of my character. As I have contemplated the struggle, I've come to realize that I haven't practiced honesty in this area before. I'm toe to toe with a mortal who shamelessly misleads and lies to put himself in the best possible light of victim, and portrays me as someone stupidly making accusations that seem exaggerated and irrational. It’s been a blow to my ego, and I have wanted in the worse way to defend myself. And I’ve also wanted to hit him back in an area that hurts him the most, albeit dishonestly.

It took some soul-searching to finally decide not to stoop to his level -- to hold my ground and continue on the path I started long ago and not throw away years of growth….all for what….money? “You can buy anything in this world with money” -- one of the many deviant whispers that pierces men’s hearts -- but you can’t buy honesty and you can’t buy integrity. I know that my initial impression to “protect myself” in these legal proceedings did not give me license to be deceitful. I will keep my promise... because I said I would.

The day after I made this decision, I heard this from Richard G. Scott: “The bedrock of character is integrity. …. it enables you in times of trial and testing to make difficult, extremely important decisions correctly even when they seem overpowering.” What a promise! Making “difficult, extremely important decisions correctly” is what I want more than anything right now, as it will affect the stability of my future.

I fully believe in what-comes-around-goes-around, the Law of the Harvest, what you sow you reap, and all the different variations of it. I have complete faith and trust in God that I will be blessed for my decision to take the high road. I know I will not be guaranteed a good outcome at the end of this divorce by staying the course, but I can look further ahead and know with all my heart that things will work out in the end and that there will come a day when all things will be made right. Read more!

BELONGING

What an incredible feeling to walk into our staff meeting last Monday and feel the warm smiles all around just for me. After being gone for a week, I felt truly missed  -- and not just because I was lightening other people’s loads by returning! I am fortunate to belong to a company that is not only a well-oiled machine, but where the small office staff truly cares and looks out for one another. We were not equipped to have me suddenly “out” for a week, with the possibility of four, but my bosses were only concerned about me taking whatever time I needed. They sent me a beautiful rose and lily bouquet the day after surgery -- a daily reminder while stuck in my bed that my second “family” wished me well. This second family has been a safe haven as my current home situation is in a state of flux, and sometimes not so safe. I’ve never considered myself a workaholic, but there have been days when it’s been nicer to stay at the office then return home.

I’ve always loved my “home” and what I’ve created here, but it ceased being that 3 years ago when Bill moved his business back to our house. It was almost like I lost my sacred, safe sanctuary, my own personal “space” in which I had peace during the day to re-group, regenerate and revitalize my aching heart and soul. Now that Bill was home 24 hours a day, that changed things significantly. Our marriage had already been in trouble for many, many years at this point, and this new dimension was not a healthy one for us. I’ve always equated Divorce with having a “broken home” -- and yet our home had been broken for many years without that official legal designation. Making the decision to divorce, and subsequently to move, was made easier when I began to look beyond the feelings of failure and see that I had an opportunity to create that “home” again, a secure place of belonging for me and my children.  

I may not belong to my marriage or my broken home anymore, but I believe in my innate gift to create again and start anew.   Read more!

Getting around the LDS thing

Someone once asked me how I got around the “LDS thing” when it came to making the decision to divorce. And another friend, who doesn’t have a clear understanding of my faith, asked if I was going to be excommunicated because of my decision  Yes, it was a struggle to make this decision. We are taught that we make binding covenants that span time and eternity in the LDS temples. We are taught that it is of the most serious of covenants and that we shouldn’t take them lightly. We are taught that the marriage relationship is a triangle between you and God and your spouse. True. What we sometimes forget in this is the conditional part IF. The promises we are given, the eternal binding promised is conditional on IF we do our part. We have a responsibility on our part to keep the covenants we make. Making the decision to divorce is not breaking those covenants. The covenants I made with my God are still intact and strong as ever. And no, by exercising my moral agency to remove myself from a destructive marriage will not get me excommunicated. I’ve come to believe that those covenants and promises were broken a long time ago – not by God but by and between the two parties trying to make a go. Just because you are married in the temple doesn’t make your marriage a sure thing. It still takes a lot of work, commitment, responsibility, charity, service and a process of becoming one with your spouse.  

Elder Bruce R. McConkie has commented, “Divorce is not part of the gospel plan no matter what kind of marriage is involved. But because men [and women] in practice do not always live in harmony with gospel standards, the Lord permits divorce [as in Moses’ time] for one reason or another, depending upon the spiritual stability of the people involved. ….” (Doctrinal New Testament Commentary,3 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1973, 1:547.)  

He went on to say, “If our societies were on a higher plane, then, marriage covenants would be held in great, sacred trust; essentially, divorce would not exist or be considered except for truly serious reasons such as adultery. I would also suggest that in a higher system, with individuals living in harmony with all the Lord’s teachings, there would be no such serious problems and thus no divorce.

Unfortunately, our societies are less than ideal. Some persons do live in unbearably difficult marital circumstances, suffering as victims of spouse abuse, substance abuse, promiscuity, and other evils that are sometimes addressed through divorce as a last resort. In such cases, the Lord in his mercy “permits his agents to exercise the power to loose [to authorize divorce] as well as the power to bind.” (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 2d ed., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 204.)

Part of my decision-making process included many, many months of prayer and fasting. I also had to examine my motive closely and honestly. In my circumstances, I felt I had tried every avenue possible to save the marriage and finally came to divorce as the last result.  Complacency and staying put were not an option I could live with.

President David O. McKay stated, “...… There may be circumstances which make the continuance of the marriage state a greater evil than divorce. But these are extreme cases—they are the mistakes, the calamities in the realm of marriage.”   (Treasures of Life, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1965, p. 66.)

Could I have stayed in this destructive, unhealthy marriage? Yes. I wasn’t being physically abused, I had a roof over my head, I wasn’t starving. I had a job. We had lived singly emotionally for many, many decades -- what’s a few more? But there were other prices being paid that not only affected me, but had taken a toll on our children.  It took me awhile to realize that, in spite of my soldiering on and putting up a facial facade,  my children were not blind to the situation, and that I had a decision to make on what and what was not acceptable in a marriage. Their eyes were on me and I felt like I was at a crossroads. What kind of mother would they remember? The one who kowtowed to unacceptable behavior behind closed doors, or a strong woman who finally found the strength within to stand and take a stand? The decision process took a full 3-½ years for me to make. But once I had made the decision, I knew that I knew that it was the right one.   

I have been chided that it took me “long enough” to come to my decision, a decision that seemed a lot of people had the opinion should have been made a long time ago. But I will always stand on the timing -- I needed to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was making the right decision.  

Getting around the LDS thing? There was nothing to get around. My relationship with God is such that I know He backs me fully in my choice. He continues to bless and open doors for my welfare. I feel His love often and most importantly, I feel at peace, even with a very unclear future. I’ve tried mightily to keep our communication open so I can recognize when I’m being instructed and guided. I may not always recognize what the whisperings mean….but I hear them and have faith that I will fully understand them at some point. Read more!

OPEN

After getting news from my doctor that there will be another disruption in my life here shortly, after the heartache and tears that my wild imaginative thoughts conjured up, and after finally settling down enough to contemplate “what am I lacking yet?” to find purpose in this trial, I finally realized how fiercely protective I’ve been of my heart, how I’ve built a persona and show of strength so as to not show my weaknesses, how I’ve learned to stand alone in my home because for various reasons a partnership with my spouse never materialized.  I was the ultimate “over-compensator,” trying to excel and prove myself in some areas because I felt so lacking and vulnerable and a complete failure in others.  This piece of news made my world temporarily topsy-turvy, and I realized that I didn’t want to bear this one alone, albeit that was my preferenced go-to, and that I needed to open up a bit and ask for help.  

I feel that events in my life had made it necessary to be protective -- wearing my heart on my sleeve was not safe, to feel and speak certain emotions were not welcome, to reach for what you thought would be a stable support and coming to the realization that you were only being tolerated was too damaging.   Slowly over time my armor was built and toughened.  Vulnerability was soon viewed as weakness, and I learned to create a perfect poker face to hide anything that could possibly expose me or give me away.  I kept a smile on my face, tipped my chin to the sun and ploughed on.

And then someone found that one chink.  And my very nature of trusting bullied through the persona of control and I willingly practiced transparency, willingly “unmasked” because my yearning for connection was so incredibly strong and overpowering.  What is it about a woman’s heart that let’s her take this risk?   Is it stupidity?  Is it naivety?  Is it courage?  Is it hope?   Maybe in this case it was a little bit of everything, as my reward was silence… a pretty deadly dagger that nicked what I had been protective of for so long.   

When I first interviewed for my current job, I was shown into our conference room where the decor clued me in that I was interviewing with “horse people.”   My eyes were drawn to a plaque with the words, “If you climb in the saddle, be ready for the ride.”   Perhaps I was not ready for the ride.  I’m grateful I had the courage to risk -- and I’m grateful I felt a flicker of hope -- and maybe that’s what this whole exercise was about, learning to become vulnerable again and remain standing when the situation turns in a different direction.  I’m tired of the armor.  I’m tired of the poker face.  I just want to be real and I want to feel, no matter what range and myriads of emotions come with the ride.   Perhaps I will never be ready for “the ride” -- but to stay off the horse doesn’t seem like an option anymore. Read more!

MAMA-BEAR

The role of mama-bear is quite intriguing.  The inner fire when I’m in protective-mode is intense and it’s so easy to leave my comfort zone and fight for my children on things in which, if the tables were turned, I would not have fought for myself.  I didn’t want them trampled upon, I didn’t want them hurt.  I’ve tried so hard to shield them from the unpleasantness that life afforded me.  But I’ve learned recently  that I need to trust that they have become sufficiently strong to handle things on their own.  They have watched and learned from the example of their mother long enough.   It’s time for them to fully practice thriving, amidst good times and bad times.  Life sometimes throws us curve balls at the most inconvenient of times, but they do not devastate us or cripple us.  We may buckle for a moment, let our imaginations of worst-case scenarios take flight for a moment, but then we reign it in, sharpen our perspective, stand up and move forward.  

I didn’t want to tell them of my news until the biopsy was complete -- I didn’t want them to experience the anxiety that’s been racing in my heart.  But if I  made this choice, I realized that I was depriving them of experiences that would only strengthen them.  Experiences that would strengthen their faith, and give them an opportunity to exercise that faith.    I wonder how many times I’ve protected them from events/situations that were vital for their growth.   I think a mama-bear is necessary and can be a pillar of strength and stability -- but I’m also learning that if it’s not balanced it could be a detriment to their progress. Read more!

A CHEROKEE LEGEND

I am an avid note-taker.  I don’t score very high on reviewing those notes for further enlightenment, but I still have an ingrained habit of hearing something and wanting to reinforce it by writing it down at the moment.  While searching today for a particular small notebook, I opened another one and something caught my eye.  It was a Cherokee legend of a conversation between  grandfather and grandson.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

This hit me like a slap across the head today.  In a moment of clarity, I realized I’d been feeding the wrong wolf lately.  In a time when I need to be focused more than ever on making wise and correct decisions, planning meticulously for a safe future, and doing all I can to pull from the strength within to emotionally/psychologically engage in the (what is sure to be) warfare in the days ahead, I’ve been sidetracked on lesser things.  Not unimportant things by all means, just thoughts and ideas that are not helpful to me right now at this time in my life.  I’ve always been weak in the area of moderation – time after time I’ve thrown myself 150% into something, which of course makes me negative-impactful on other parts of my life that need my attention.   My other wolf was feeding my ego, meeting an unmet need that had been in short supply for decades.   It wasn’t evil, it wasn’t bad.   There are many times when we have to choose between two good things.  Of course I craved it.  Of course I hungered for it.  But now is not the time.  This other wolf wakened many things inside me that needed to be shaken up and stirred and remembered.  And I am very, very grateful for that memory, but it isn’t helping me right now and it’s not serving me well to dwell on what could be.   I don’t need my ego stroked – I know who I am and Whose I am.   I have full faith that my missing needs will be met in a future day – I have lived long without that, I can still keep living without it – it won’t crush me.  But there is an order to everything, and I need to get my head straight.  I’m choosing to feed the wolf that will get me through the next 5 months.

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THE BAD GUY

My H asked me last night if I was excited to be pursuing a divorce.  My first thought was that was a warped question.  Is it exciting to admit defeat after you put 29 years into a venture?  Is it exciting to feel like you are viewed as a failure or that you gave up too easily?  Is it exciting to realize your returns on the investment weren’t very high?

Shortly after I made the decision I did feel feelings of elation, though, of freedom.    I felt like I was breaking out of some type of bondage, and definitely looking forward to an emotionally healthier future, single or otherwise.   I felt empowered in my decision and my endorphins were in overload  ☺    I have felt many feelings over this – and it’s only been a short 2 weeks.  Some of those feelings are: anxiety about my financial future, fear of H messing with the kids’ heads, fear of H integrating his blatant dishonesty into the divorce process, anger, bitterness, satisfaction, a hunger to live more fully and even sadness.  Not sad about my decision, but sad about how H is handling this and his go-to destructive reactions.   In this short time, I’ve been able to see more clearly the gulf between us and part of my sadness is H’s inability to see himself as part of the problem.  From his point of view, I need some psychological evaluation and probably some meds because “you can’t get close to anyone.”   Total projection.

In my last talk with our bishop, he left with the parting words, “Get ready to be the Bad Guy.”  Yup, another feeling I was anticipating.  This was my sole decision.  My H did not agree – he was totally satisfied with the status quo and comfortable in his complacency.  He shares with whoever he talks to how he will always love me and will help all he can to get me settled into another home.  He sets himself up as an adoring, doting husband to the very end – and it makes me sick.  He wants to have an amicable divorce, and I have little to no faith that this will be the case.  He didn’t care much about me during the marriage, so why would he care so much about me now?

If I had an adoring, doting husband I would have never been in this place.   Not to excuse myself of any blame, but it would have been nice to have been met part of the way.  This Bad Guy label is something that I will need to set aside and just ignore.  My decision to divorce will not define me.  No one has walked in my shoes.  No one has felt my pain and the inner struggle that has eaten away at me for decades.  No one has felt the weight I’ve carried.  I alone know the most about my H’s unwellness and the effects it’s had on me and my children.  H’s unwellness has spanned generations and I’ve made the decision to break the chain here.  My friend, who I may or may not pay to talk to, assured me that the people who really, really knew me would never question my sanity.  They would applaud my decision, continue to trust me, wouldn’t question my integrity or how hard I’ve tried over the years.  If people label me the Bad Guy, more power to them.  It’s their loss. 

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Blog Name Change

I just changed the title of my blog this morning.  I needed to go from stay-at-home-mom mode to something else....whatever this something else is.  I entered the work force 3 years ago when it finally hit home strong enough that what I really desired out of life was only going to happen if I made it happen. I got to a point where I was through waiting for a companion to share my excitement of what the future could hold. You can either sit on the couch and watch re-runs reminiscing about the good ol'days or you can take life by the horns and suck out all the marrow, then put BBQ sauce on and suck some more!  I'm choosing to LIVE. Read more!

A Long Time in Coming

It's  been 4 years since I've posted.  There's a lot of not-so-nice history in that gap, but also some very wonderful memories as my children started to enter adulthood.  I'll back-post down the road sometime.  Today is not that day. This morning I woke up at 4 am wondering what the day would bring.  Last night when I finally dropped off to sleep, it was under the burden of my husband's threat of suicide if I pursued a divorce.  Yes, it was ugly last night and this morning I am numb.  Not sad, for I grieved long ago for our failed marriage, just emotionally spent.  There was a dark period in my life as a teen when I considered suicide.  I've always remembered the loneliness amidst a sea of people.  I remember the feelings of worthlessness and wanting so desperately to feel loved and accepted...by anyone.   I see these same things in him.  The simple fix on his end would be for me to stay in an empty marriage, keep pretending that things are all right.  But I can't bear the cost anymore.  Next month we would have been married 29 years and there's nothing synergistic to show for it. I've had thoughts of shame for not being able to manufacture life into our relationship as I've jumped through hoop after hoop trying to do the right thing, to try to fill his void.   And I don't want to sound perfect for I know I share equally in the failure..but I have tried long and hard. I don't know where the shame comes from -- probably because I have always despised quitting.  And now here I am....almost an owner of just another statistic.

But that statistic will bring new hope for a different kind of life.  I will not take ownership of his decision, even though he manipulates me to feel it's in my hands.   I know it will be hell to clean up the pieces while putting my children back together.  All my sorrow is for them, learning to live with the fact that he didn't love them enough.   They've each individually struggled with that concept for most of their lives already, but now it's going to be forced home.   I'm okay that I was never enough of a wife to him, because eventually over time I began to realize that there would never be anyone enough.  No one good enough to trust, to share with, to be vulnerable to.  Somewhere in his history is a sad tale of why he doesn't let people in.  And maybe the cost of that is too much for him to bear as well. 

Read more!