THE BAD GUY

My H asked me last night if I was excited to be pursuing a divorce.  My first thought was that was a warped question.  Is it exciting to admit defeat after you put 29 years into a venture?  Is it exciting to feel like you are viewed as a failure or that you gave up too easily?  Is it exciting to realize your returns on the investment weren’t very high?

Shortly after I made the decision I did feel feelings of elation, though, of freedom.    I felt like I was breaking out of some type of bondage, and definitely looking forward to an emotionally healthier future, single or otherwise.   I felt empowered in my decision and my endorphins were in overload  ☺    I have felt many feelings over this – and it’s only been a short 2 weeks.  Some of those feelings are: anxiety about my financial future, fear of H messing with the kids’ heads, fear of H integrating his blatant dishonesty into the divorce process, anger, bitterness, satisfaction, a hunger to live more fully and even sadness.  Not sad about my decision, but sad about how H is handling this and his go-to destructive reactions.   In this short time, I’ve been able to see more clearly the gulf between us and part of my sadness is H’s inability to see himself as part of the problem.  From his point of view, I need some psychological evaluation and probably some meds because “you can’t get close to anyone.”   Total projection.

In my last talk with our bishop, he left with the parting words, “Get ready to be the Bad Guy.”  Yup, another feeling I was anticipating.  This was my sole decision.  My H did not agree – he was totally satisfied with the status quo and comfortable in his complacency.  He shares with whoever he talks to how he will always love me and will help all he can to get me settled into another home.  He sets himself up as an adoring, doting husband to the very end – and it makes me sick.  He wants to have an amicable divorce, and I have little to no faith that this will be the case.  He didn’t care much about me during the marriage, so why would he care so much about me now?

If I had an adoring, doting husband I would have never been in this place.   Not to excuse myself of any blame, but it would have been nice to have been met part of the way.  This Bad Guy label is something that I will need to set aside and just ignore.  My decision to divorce will not define me.  No one has walked in my shoes.  No one has felt my pain and the inner struggle that has eaten away at me for decades.  No one has felt the weight I’ve carried.  I alone know the most about my H’s unwellness and the effects it’s had on me and my children.  H’s unwellness has spanned generations and I’ve made the decision to break the chain here.  My friend, who I may or may not pay to talk to, assured me that the people who really, really knew me would never question my sanity.  They would applaud my decision, continue to trust me, wouldn’t question my integrity or how hard I’ve tried over the years.  If people label me the Bad Guy, more power to them.  It’s their loss.