Reconnecting -- Day Two, A Statue or a Relationship?

I am learning that taking the time for Christ first in my day makes all the difference. Today was Sunday, so I didn't have the usual demands of the World to crowd in, but it was still good as I am just beginning to practice this after being off-kilter for so long. Study and meditation invited peace into my soul, and it also softened my heart for the things I needed to hear. 

I was listening to another person's experience with Jesus at one of her most difficult times in life. At the close of this experience, and on her way home, she was excitedly looking forward to all the things that she could now do, as she had been on six months of bedrest prior. But at the same time, she was troubled. During her bedrest, her relationships with Jesus had gone from Him being a sculpture or a picture on a wall to being a true friend, a friend that filled her life with comfort and strength.

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Reconnecting -- Day One, My Cornerstone

I had a peaceful day today, which I think was all on account of inviting my Savior in. What did that look like? Asking in sincere prayer and supplication what would be most important today. I had my list of to-dos, but was willing to set that aside to see if something else came up. When I don't get hit alongside the head with a 2X4 to alter my course, I move forward assuming I'm going in the right direction. 

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Disconnected

I have been feeling overwhelmed and stretched and anxious for a long time, trying to get through "things" that seemed important in an effort to create more room on my plate. My problem: there was always something else to take its place -- a new idea, a new house repair/maintenance item that needed attention, a new book to read, a broken sprinkler to fix, a new podcast to listen to, a birthday remembrance to deliver, a meaningful gift to create, a letter to write, an overdue phone call to make, a temple visit to schedule, a get-caught-up lunch with a friend to fit in and on and on and on. These were things aside from my office hours and college coursework and making sure my Dad's needs were met. This frenzied pace was entirely self-imposed. It crowded out the things that were truly most important. How was I going to fit it all in?

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To My Bear Lake Lionesses

You know who you are. But do you know what impact you had this past weekend? 

Vulnerability begets vulnerability. I did not know that. The belief system I developed within told me that vulnerability was weakness, less-than, and undesirable. Big Girls Don’t Cry. It’s the Law of the Jungle out there (and in the home), so unless you want to be preyed upon, you better be strong enough. brave enough, and smart enough. So the mask went on, pushing the inner child deep within to hide, because I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t brave and I wasn’t smart enough to outwit life’s hard things. I was broken and beaten down, pulling myself together with scotch tape and twine, and The Great Pretender emerged.

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Timing and Seeing the Good

In my Relief Society lesson the other week we discussed the timing of miracles, why some of our yearned for miracles come right away, why some are delayed, and why some never seem to come at all. Today we walked about Seeing the Good in the trials in our lives.

What I wanted to share in class back then and today seemed too long to explain, so I decided to post about it.

I have a testimony of God’s wisdom in His timing – this goes for miracles and answers to prayer. Some of my yearnings have been answered very quickly, and some have taken decades. I will post at another time a miracle that happened very quickly. It will be labeled LOST. Today’s story covers decades of wondering when things would be made right. 

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How Do You Forget About Your Own Blog?

Today I had intended on creating a post for my church friends. I wanted to share something that was too lengthy to share in a classroom setting, so I thought I would post it and they could read at their discretion. For one of my religion classes, my capstone project was creating a blog about The Book of Mormon. My intent was to keep that going, but that intention failed miserably. So in my head I thought I would revamp that blog a little, and put my post in there. Now . . . the question became – where to find it?  I had created that in the winter of 2018/2019. “Blogger” entered my mind and I found it! And I found something else . . . . my personal blog LIVE. PERIOD. staring me in the face. Read more!

We Can and We Will

I woke up with some thoughts running through my mind and wanted to share. Late last night I received a text from Garret letting me know that Kyra had taken Kal to the ER because he was having a difficult time breathing. I had been in the middle of that semi-comatose state we all experience in between the time of being awake and being fully asleep, and it’s always miraculous to me how a simple text can fully wake you up in less than a second.  I literally hit the ground running and I slipped on sweats, threw my hair in a ponytail, grabbed my car keys and raced down the hill. There were no second thoughts of if I was even needed. A mother’s mind can easily go from 0 to Axe Murderer in 10 seconds and this is what I knew: Garret had to be home with Rand and Kyra was alone with Kal in the ER -- if things went downhill I did not want her to be alone. So in my head I was needed.....somewhere. Tests were run, everything was normal, and they went home.

When I woke up this morning, I had some time to ponder on the night’s events and my mind went to how fast I flew to run to my daughter. And I thought of other times I had  dropped everything for any of my kids and ran to them in times of need. My heart is filled with the love for my children and I would do almost anything for them if they asked.

And then another random thought popped into my head, “How come you don’t do the same for Jesus?”  That stopped me in my tracks.

The Savior of the World, my personal Redeemer, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Eternal Friend. The Christ who runs to me and succors me in times of need, never failing. Why do I find it so difficult to do what he asks? Why isn’t my relationship with Him such that I would drop everything to do what He asks?  He asks me to keep his commandments, and so my mind went to the commandment I have the most difficult time keeping, the one that is foremost on my mind and plagues me week in and week out.  Did I not love Him as much as my children?  What is blocking me and stopping me from willingly obey this one thing?

A few hours later I received an insight.  I am a lover of words, and on my vanity is a collection of note cards with quotes that are motivating and inspirational to me. My quote this past week was “I can . . . and I will.”   When I glanced at this card this morning, a thought entered into my head, “How about WE CAN and WE WILL?”   And my whole paradigm changed in an instant.  In many areas of my life, I try to forge ahead alone, be proactive on my own, do all I can on my own, obey on my own. I know where that thought came from – and it was Christ’s simple invitation that I yoke myself with Him, include Him, walk with Him, learn from Him and listen to Him as I strive to be obedient with this one thing. Jesus has been a part of my journey in many other areas, and it just never occurred to me to include him in all areas. In my head I was keeping this temporal issue separated, sort of like church and state.

Because I’ve struggled for so long with this issue, it’s no surprise that discouragement has plagued me for some time. For the first time in a long time, I felt hope that I (we) really could grapple with this issue and put it to rest. There are so many other areas of life where I would like to put my time and attention to, but this one issue has been a time-consuming, ugly apparition hanging over my head, sucking out hope. It felt like binding chains and I truly feel “delivered” in a way . . . . just by this paradigm shift. Nothing has happened yet, but I am filled with hope knowing who my partner is.

As if I didn’t get the message deep enough, another tender mercy manifested itself in the opening song in my church meeting this morning. We sang “I Stand All Amazed” and certain phrases rung out with clarity and seemed pronounced:

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,

That he should extend his great love unto such as I,

[I am] Sufficient to own (to be his), to redeem, and to justify.

Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?

I could barely get through the song for the tears that clouded my eyes. Words that I’ve now sung for decades, rang true as He drove home the message: He proffers His enabling power (grace) to help me because I am enough.

And another manifestation of God’s love happened after the meeting. The chorister came up to me and told me that they weren’t supposed to sing that song this week. It was on last week’s agenda, but whoever put together last week's program mistakenly put another hymn number on the printed program, so it was bumped to this week.  Coincidence? No. Not in my mind and heart. A mistake happened, timed just for my benefit.  For me.

In our day and age, we think of the word “confused” as meaning that we don’t understand something. However, in the author’s day and time of the hymn, the word "confused" was also used to express awe and wonder.

I am awed and in wonder at the grace that He so fully proffers me.

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