Disconnected

I have been feeling overwhelmed and stretched and anxious for a long time, trying to get through "things" that seemed important in an effort to create more room on my plate. My problem: there was always something else to take its place -- a new idea, a new house repair/maintenance item that needed attention, a new book to read, a broken sprinkler to fix, a new podcast to listen to, a birthday remembrance to deliver, a meaningful gift to create, a letter to write, an overdue phone call to make, a temple visit to schedule, a get-caught-up lunch with a friend to fit in and on and on and on. These were things aside from my office hours and college coursework and making sure my Dad's needs were met. This frenzied pace was entirely self-imposed. It crowded out the things that were truly most important. How was I going to fit it all in?

Feeling so crushed by the expectations I placed on myself, flagellating myself for those things I was doing poorly or half-heartedly, I reached out to a friend to 'pour out'. She lovingly pointed out how many times the words I and ME came up in the conversation, and gently reminded me of the wholeness that a WE relationship brings. My pride was telling myself that I HAD to do these things all by myself, that they took priority over everything else, then it turned on me and berated me for not being able to keep up. Why do I want THAT in my life? 

Even though I make a promise each week in my worship to 'always remember Him,' I was struggling to remember Him. I thought about Him during my daily prayers, but even those had become "check the box" hang up the phone quickly conversations, always one-sided. I was remembering Him in times of crisis, but not in the in-between.  

Could I pause more? Could I check-in and leave room for a two-sided conversation? Could I lay down MY will and ask what His will is for me today? Could I pause to practice calmness so we could reason together? What would Thou have me focus on tomorrow? What would Thou have me change to get back on track again? Is my plan all right with Thee or do you have a better one?

My friend helped me remember that it's okay to ask for help in my forgetting: if I forget Him, ask His help in remembering. If I forget again, ask for His assistance to begin again. It's a gentle, loving transformation -- not a frenzied race to change overnight, my usual hectic pace. Humility needs to be grown. 

I cannot put our whole conversation here, but it was so very needful and timely. I feel blessed to have a tribe that helps me pause and take stock.  Immediate blessings followed, which I will post about as Reconnecting - Day One.