You know who you are. But do you know what impact you had this past weekend?
Vulnerability begets vulnerability. I did not know that. The belief system I developed within told me that vulnerability was weakness, less-than, and undesirable. Big Girls Don’t Cry. It’s the Law of the Jungle out there (and in the home), so unless you want to be preyed upon, you better be strong enough. brave enough, and smart enough. So the mask went on, pushing the inner child deep within to hide, because I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t brave and I wasn’t smart enough to outwit life’s hard things. I was broken and beaten down, pulling myself together with scotch tape and twine, and The Great Pretender emerged.
Thank you for taking your masks off. Thank you for being brave and trustful with total strangers. Thank you for sharing without apology. Thank you for the compassionate energy you brought that made this haven a safe place during our retreat. We shared so many amazing experiences together, that how could it not bind us? I drove up to the lake with a little bit of anxiety and a lot of faith, walking in the door after taking a big, calming breath. I drove home with my Christian rock playlist blasting away, on a completely different plane than when I arrived. I will remember, because I will write as much as I can, but I will not attempt to explain. Magical, life-altering, paradigm-shifting, empowering, the letting-go, the breaking open – I just don’t think we have the English words yet for what happened. I arrived with one friend, and left with seven more, who connected with me in ways that I had always wished for in a sibling – a true and authentic connection, of which I’ve experienced very little in this life, yet yearned for.
Thank you for dancing with me. If someone had told me beforehand that we would dance like we did for an entire song, that alone would have scared me away from coming. I shared with a few that I hadn’t danced like that for 20 years, if not more, if ever. Dancing with abandon was so opposite my very composed, calm and collected, every-piece-in-place self that I had mustered. It was foreign, it was scary. But it was more uncomfortable NOT TO! You guys just started moving, and I was like, “Okay, here we go!” setting aside self-consciousness and shyness, which I didn’t even know I had the power to do. And as I let go, something shifted inside, something started to melt. And then the thought of my four kids seeing me, their mouths wide open in shock, overwhelmed my emotions and the tears started streaming while I shimmied on, arms waving and pumping, hips twisting to the beat. Have they ever seen my authentic self? It was way past time. Decades of feeling I had to be emotionally strong for them created another type of mask. They needed a parent who was grounded, steady and worthy of trust. I carried the lop-sided weight of not being in a unified partnership, and felt I needed to overcompensate. I couldn’t show weakness and tell them I didn’t know what I was doing, that I relied on other parenting examples, followed my gut, and tried everything in my power NOT to parent like my mother and step-dad. This iron cage I had started to create as a child didn’t allow for wild abandon, and my marriage stifled my freedom of expression. And while it was protective in some ways, I realize now that it was also a disservice. I decided that my family will now start having more dance parties, which will probably shock them. All four of my kids swing- and ballroom-dance, to learned, choreographed steps, but we are going to take it a little further and let music take us to wherever we want to go. My grandkids will love it! Our dancing brought an extraordinary energy and spirit into our gathering place, and I want my family to experience that too. I’m just barely starting to understand energy and vibration, and I want more of it to elevate our lives.
This entry needs to conclude, so just let me say Thank You one more time. I could not have experienced what I did without you there. It was the willingness, trust, vitality and spirit of the group that allowed me this adventure. And I can’t express gratitude deep enough to those creators who brought this into being – I appreciate them following their gut and walking in faith that everything would come together. It was so beautifully done, and so very perfect from start to finish. You know they did well when it was very difficult to part from each other. I also appreciate the healers who brought their innate wisdom to help us see with new eyes. Thank you for sharing tools so we could take the next step. You saw through and inside us, to help uncover the lies that bound us and to bring to our remembrance the Truths that will free us. Our new hearts are forever grateful.
