BELONGING

What an incredible feeling to walk into our staff meeting last Monday and feel the warm smiles all around just for me. After being gone for a week, I felt truly missed  -- and not just because I was lightening other people’s loads by returning! I am fortunate to belong to a company that is not only a well-oiled machine, but where the small office staff truly cares and looks out for one another. We were not equipped to have me suddenly “out” for a week, with the possibility of four, but my bosses were only concerned about me taking whatever time I needed. They sent me a beautiful rose and lily bouquet the day after surgery -- a daily reminder while stuck in my bed that my second “family” wished me well. This second family has been a safe haven as my current home situation is in a state of flux, and sometimes not so safe. I’ve never considered myself a workaholic, but there have been days when it’s been nicer to stay at the office then return home.

I’ve always loved my “home” and what I’ve created here, but it ceased being that 3 years ago when Bill moved his business back to our house. It was almost like I lost my sacred, safe sanctuary, my own personal “space” in which I had peace during the day to re-group, regenerate and revitalize my aching heart and soul. Now that Bill was home 24 hours a day, that changed things significantly. Our marriage had already been in trouble for many, many years at this point, and this new dimension was not a healthy one for us. I’ve always equated Divorce with having a “broken home” -- and yet our home had been broken for many years without that official legal designation. Making the decision to divorce, and subsequently to move, was made easier when I began to look beyond the feelings of failure and see that I had an opportunity to create that “home” again, a secure place of belonging for me and my children.  

I may not belong to my marriage or my broken home anymore, but I believe in my innate gift to create again and start anew.   Read more!

Getting around the LDS thing

Someone once asked me how I got around the “LDS thing” when it came to making the decision to divorce. And another friend, who doesn’t have a clear understanding of my faith, asked if I was going to be excommunicated because of my decision  Yes, it was a struggle to make this decision. We are taught that we make binding covenants that span time and eternity in the LDS temples. We are taught that it is of the most serious of covenants and that we shouldn’t take them lightly. We are taught that the marriage relationship is a triangle between you and God and your spouse. True. What we sometimes forget in this is the conditional part IF. The promises we are given, the eternal binding promised is conditional on IF we do our part. We have a responsibility on our part to keep the covenants we make. Making the decision to divorce is not breaking those covenants. The covenants I made with my God are still intact and strong as ever. And no, by exercising my moral agency to remove myself from a destructive marriage will not get me excommunicated. I’ve come to believe that those covenants and promises were broken a long time ago – not by God but by and between the two parties trying to make a go. Just because you are married in the temple doesn’t make your marriage a sure thing. It still takes a lot of work, commitment, responsibility, charity, service and a process of becoming one with your spouse.  

Elder Bruce R. McConkie has commented, “Divorce is not part of the gospel plan no matter what kind of marriage is involved. But because men [and women] in practice do not always live in harmony with gospel standards, the Lord permits divorce [as in Moses’ time] for one reason or another, depending upon the spiritual stability of the people involved. ….” (Doctrinal New Testament Commentary,3 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1973, 1:547.)  

He went on to say, “If our societies were on a higher plane, then, marriage covenants would be held in great, sacred trust; essentially, divorce would not exist or be considered except for truly serious reasons such as adultery. I would also suggest that in a higher system, with individuals living in harmony with all the Lord’s teachings, there would be no such serious problems and thus no divorce.

Unfortunately, our societies are less than ideal. Some persons do live in unbearably difficult marital circumstances, suffering as victims of spouse abuse, substance abuse, promiscuity, and other evils that are sometimes addressed through divorce as a last resort. In such cases, the Lord in his mercy “permits his agents to exercise the power to loose [to authorize divorce] as well as the power to bind.” (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 2d ed., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 204.)

Part of my decision-making process included many, many months of prayer and fasting. I also had to examine my motive closely and honestly. In my circumstances, I felt I had tried every avenue possible to save the marriage and finally came to divorce as the last result.  Complacency and staying put were not an option I could live with.

President David O. McKay stated, “...… There may be circumstances which make the continuance of the marriage state a greater evil than divorce. But these are extreme cases—they are the mistakes, the calamities in the realm of marriage.”   (Treasures of Life, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1965, p. 66.)

Could I have stayed in this destructive, unhealthy marriage? Yes. I wasn’t being physically abused, I had a roof over my head, I wasn’t starving. I had a job. We had lived singly emotionally for many, many decades -- what’s a few more? But there were other prices being paid that not only affected me, but had taken a toll on our children.  It took me awhile to realize that, in spite of my soldiering on and putting up a facial facade,  my children were not blind to the situation, and that I had a decision to make on what and what was not acceptable in a marriage. Their eyes were on me and I felt like I was at a crossroads. What kind of mother would they remember? The one who kowtowed to unacceptable behavior behind closed doors, or a strong woman who finally found the strength within to stand and take a stand? The decision process took a full 3-½ years for me to make. But once I had made the decision, I knew that I knew that it was the right one.   

I have been chided that it took me “long enough” to come to my decision, a decision that seemed a lot of people had the opinion should have been made a long time ago. But I will always stand on the timing -- I needed to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was making the right decision.  

Getting around the LDS thing? There was nothing to get around. My relationship with God is such that I know He backs me fully in my choice. He continues to bless and open doors for my welfare. I feel His love often and most importantly, I feel at peace, even with a very unclear future. I’ve tried mightily to keep our communication open so I can recognize when I’m being instructed and guided. I may not always recognize what the whisperings mean….but I hear them and have faith that I will fully understand them at some point. Read more!