OPEN

After getting news from my doctor that there will be another disruption in my life here shortly, after the heartache and tears that my wild imaginative thoughts conjured up, and after finally settling down enough to contemplate “what am I lacking yet?” to find purpose in this trial, I finally realized how fiercely protective I’ve been of my heart, how I’ve built a persona and show of strength so as to not show my weaknesses, how I’ve learned to stand alone in my home because for various reasons a partnership with my spouse never materialized.  I was the ultimate “over-compensator,” trying to excel and prove myself in some areas because I felt so lacking and vulnerable and a complete failure in others.  This piece of news made my world temporarily topsy-turvy, and I realized that I didn’t want to bear this one alone, albeit that was my preferenced go-to, and that I needed to open up a bit and ask for help.  

I feel that events in my life had made it necessary to be protective -- wearing my heart on my sleeve was not safe, to feel and speak certain emotions were not welcome, to reach for what you thought would be a stable support and coming to the realization that you were only being tolerated was too damaging.   Slowly over time my armor was built and toughened.  Vulnerability was soon viewed as weakness, and I learned to create a perfect poker face to hide anything that could possibly expose me or give me away.  I kept a smile on my face, tipped my chin to the sun and ploughed on.

And then someone found that one chink.  And my very nature of trusting bullied through the persona of control and I willingly practiced transparency, willingly “unmasked” because my yearning for connection was so incredibly strong and overpowering.  What is it about a woman’s heart that let’s her take this risk?   Is it stupidity?  Is it naivety?  Is it courage?  Is it hope?   Maybe in this case it was a little bit of everything, as my reward was silence… a pretty deadly dagger that nicked what I had been protective of for so long.   

When I first interviewed for my current job, I was shown into our conference room where the decor clued me in that I was interviewing with “horse people.”   My eyes were drawn to a plaque with the words, “If you climb in the saddle, be ready for the ride.”   Perhaps I was not ready for the ride.  I’m grateful I had the courage to risk -- and I’m grateful I felt a flicker of hope -- and maybe that’s what this whole exercise was about, learning to become vulnerable again and remain standing when the situation turns in a different direction.  I’m tired of the armor.  I’m tired of the poker face.  I just want to be real and I want to feel, no matter what range and myriads of emotions come with the ride.   Perhaps I will never be ready for “the ride” -- but to stay off the horse doesn’t seem like an option anymore. Read more!

MAMA-BEAR

The role of mama-bear is quite intriguing.  The inner fire when I’m in protective-mode is intense and it’s so easy to leave my comfort zone and fight for my children on things in which, if the tables were turned, I would not have fought for myself.  I didn’t want them trampled upon, I didn’t want them hurt.  I’ve tried so hard to shield them from the unpleasantness that life afforded me.  But I’ve learned recently  that I need to trust that they have become sufficiently strong to handle things on their own.  They have watched and learned from the example of their mother long enough.   It’s time for them to fully practice thriving, amidst good times and bad times.  Life sometimes throws us curve balls at the most inconvenient of times, but they do not devastate us or cripple us.  We may buckle for a moment, let our imaginations of worst-case scenarios take flight for a moment, but then we reign it in, sharpen our perspective, stand up and move forward.  

I didn’t want to tell them of my news until the biopsy was complete -- I didn’t want them to experience the anxiety that’s been racing in my heart.  But if I  made this choice, I realized that I was depriving them of experiences that would only strengthen them.  Experiences that would strengthen their faith, and give them an opportunity to exercise that faith.    I wonder how many times I’ve protected them from events/situations that were vital for their growth.   I think a mama-bear is necessary and can be a pillar of strength and stability -- but I’m also learning that if it’s not balanced it could be a detriment to their progress. Read more!

A CHEROKEE LEGEND

I am an avid note-taker.  I don’t score very high on reviewing those notes for further enlightenment, but I still have an ingrained habit of hearing something and wanting to reinforce it by writing it down at the moment.  While searching today for a particular small notebook, I opened another one and something caught my eye.  It was a Cherokee legend of a conversation between  grandfather and grandson.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

This hit me like a slap across the head today.  In a moment of clarity, I realized I’d been feeding the wrong wolf lately.  In a time when I need to be focused more than ever on making wise and correct decisions, planning meticulously for a safe future, and doing all I can to pull from the strength within to emotionally/psychologically engage in the (what is sure to be) warfare in the days ahead, I’ve been sidetracked on lesser things.  Not unimportant things by all means, just thoughts and ideas that are not helpful to me right now at this time in my life.  I’ve always been weak in the area of moderation – time after time I’ve thrown myself 150% into something, which of course makes me negative-impactful on other parts of my life that need my attention.   My other wolf was feeding my ego, meeting an unmet need that had been in short supply for decades.   It wasn’t evil, it wasn’t bad.   There are many times when we have to choose between two good things.  Of course I craved it.  Of course I hungered for it.  But now is not the time.  This other wolf wakened many things inside me that needed to be shaken up and stirred and remembered.  And I am very, very grateful for that memory, but it isn’t helping me right now and it’s not serving me well to dwell on what could be.   I don’t need my ego stroked – I know who I am and Whose I am.   I have full faith that my missing needs will be met in a future day – I have lived long without that, I can still keep living without it – it won’t crush me.  But there is an order to everything, and I need to get my head straight.  I’m choosing to feed the wolf that will get me through the next 5 months.

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THE BAD GUY

My H asked me last night if I was excited to be pursuing a divorce.  My first thought was that was a warped question.  Is it exciting to admit defeat after you put 29 years into a venture?  Is it exciting to feel like you are viewed as a failure or that you gave up too easily?  Is it exciting to realize your returns on the investment weren’t very high?

Shortly after I made the decision I did feel feelings of elation, though, of freedom.    I felt like I was breaking out of some type of bondage, and definitely looking forward to an emotionally healthier future, single or otherwise.   I felt empowered in my decision and my endorphins were in overload  ☺    I have felt many feelings over this – and it’s only been a short 2 weeks.  Some of those feelings are: anxiety about my financial future, fear of H messing with the kids’ heads, fear of H integrating his blatant dishonesty into the divorce process, anger, bitterness, satisfaction, a hunger to live more fully and even sadness.  Not sad about my decision, but sad about how H is handling this and his go-to destructive reactions.   In this short time, I’ve been able to see more clearly the gulf between us and part of my sadness is H’s inability to see himself as part of the problem.  From his point of view, I need some psychological evaluation and probably some meds because “you can’t get close to anyone.”   Total projection.

In my last talk with our bishop, he left with the parting words, “Get ready to be the Bad Guy.”  Yup, another feeling I was anticipating.  This was my sole decision.  My H did not agree – he was totally satisfied with the status quo and comfortable in his complacency.  He shares with whoever he talks to how he will always love me and will help all he can to get me settled into another home.  He sets himself up as an adoring, doting husband to the very end – and it makes me sick.  He wants to have an amicable divorce, and I have little to no faith that this will be the case.  He didn’t care much about me during the marriage, so why would he care so much about me now?

If I had an adoring, doting husband I would have never been in this place.   Not to excuse myself of any blame, but it would have been nice to have been met part of the way.  This Bad Guy label is something that I will need to set aside and just ignore.  My decision to divorce will not define me.  No one has walked in my shoes.  No one has felt my pain and the inner struggle that has eaten away at me for decades.  No one has felt the weight I’ve carried.  I alone know the most about my H’s unwellness and the effects it’s had on me and my children.  H’s unwellness has spanned generations and I’ve made the decision to break the chain here.  My friend, who I may or may not pay to talk to, assured me that the people who really, really knew me would never question my sanity.  They would applaud my decision, continue to trust me, wouldn’t question my integrity or how hard I’ve tried over the years.  If people label me the Bad Guy, more power to them.  It’s their loss. 

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