When I got into my car to go home from church today, my two daughters were arguing if my eyes were brown or green, each assuring the other that THEY were right. It startled me for a second, then instantly thoughts flooded my mind of 'where have I been?' Wasn't it me changing their diapers, bathing, dressing, and hair-fixing once upon a time? Wasn't I the one they raced home from preschool to, to share their fun days and show me all their treasures? Wasn't I the caregiver who nursed them through chicken pox -- 3 children at once? Wasn't I the one helping them with all their science fair projects, paper-mache piñatas, and Reflections Contest instructions? Didn't I attend all their soccer games, music recitals, school programs, choir concerts, NAL games, gymnastics and swim lessons? Wasn't I the one they came to when they were "stuck" on homework at night? Wasn't I the one who tucked them into beds, read them stories, and for awhile there sang them a goodnight lullaby? Wasn’t I the first one to discern when something was “off” in one of their lives?
The more I dwelt on that, the more invisible I felt. A small jolt of insignificance shot through me when I wondered if they weren’t really “seeing” me. Everyone I know has a need to be noticed. Some small part of us wants others to know that we exist. And, if my children did not know the color of my eyes, what else don’t they know about me?
I thought about the invisibility of the role of being a stay-at-home-Mom. Hardly anything lasts. Once the laundry is done, the hampers quickly fill back up. Once the kitchen is clean, it takes one marauding mob to pass through for lunch, and you wonder what you spent your time on that morning because there’s nothing to show for it. Meals are consumed with efficiency, groceries fly off the pantry shelves, and my time seems frittered away with taxi excursions here and there. Instructions given seem to evaporate into thin air as you take one more “pink” load out of the washer. My husband comes home and asks, ‘what did you do today?’ and as I look around I can’t find a thing to show for the day, and my brain is so fried I can’t remember anyway.
When I was young, I didn’t think too much of being a mother. I didn’t feel comfortable around children, and I was content to let anyone else, everyone else take those roles. My sister was the “dream babysitter” in our neighborhood, and I wasn’t jealous at all. I only got babysitting jobs because she wasn’t home to take them or was committed to another family. As I grew older I knew I wanted a good, solid education. I hungered to know and learn things….anything. My Uncle Pete tried to pin me down once on what I wanted to major in and he finally labeled me an eternal student. I dreamed of being a lawyer (pretty funny when you think about how quiet I am!), a history teacher, a tour guide or a writer. When I discovered the beauty of the earth through travel and learned that I could capture history through a lens, that created a desire in me that I’ve never been able to quench. It’s been 23 years since I’ve been to Europe and I can still feel the damp oldness of the castles, the sorrows of the Coliseum, the thrill of Michelangelo’s sculptures, the reverence of Leonardo da Vinci’s works, the breathtaking views from the Matterhorn, and the humility of Dachau’s barracks. Europe didn’t quench my thirst to go and see. It lit a fire that burns still to this day. My children will probably never know what an adventuress spirit their mother has. When I was 32, my sister-in-law inspired me to make a “dream list” of things I wanted to accomplish. If you saw this list, I know you would quickly point out that I would need 5 lifetimes to do it all. My intent wasn’t to ‘do it all’, but rather to keep my dreams big and reach, reach, reach for those stars. I wasn’t made to settle, but to become something more than I am.
To set this hunger aside has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I’m not complaining. Really. I have had opportunities to travel since, and I’ve seen some very beautiful places and experienced some wonderful things. In fact, I will guess I’ve seen more than most. I know if I were to never step another foot out of Utah that I could still be very grateful for the places I’ve experienced. What has been difficult is becoming invisible, even sometimes invisible to myself. That may sound stupid, but there are times when I am so exhausted and so spent that I forget what lights my fire. I forget to take time for myself and I get grumpy. I feel myself fading into the background of home life and spinning my wheels uselessly.
So when inconsequential arguments start up about the color of my eyes, it’s an easy avenue to start wondering about my visibility. But I know I am not invisible. I know my children love me. Once in awhile I get brief glimpses of what they are becoming, and my heart swells with pride. I know that a large part of “me” has gone into the making of “them” and I will continue to do this until my journey is done here. To walk on the Great Wall of China will be nothing compared to seeing their full, healthy development, physically, mentally and spiritually. Knowing they belonged to God first, they are still creations of mine, and if God’s greatest work is to bring to pass my immortality and my eternal life, then my greatest work is my children. I am grateful to be a stay-at-home Mom, even if my eye color isn’t important enough to notice.
Was it silly to wonder why my daughters had no idea what color my eyes were? Probably. I’m sure I didn’t know what color my mother’s eyes were at age 13.
My eyes are blue.
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a copy of what was put together at the end of December.
I took little tidbits of time Thurs, Fri and Sat and created these 2 layouts. Yes, I did something lasting! I "accidentally" -- another word for 'I didn't have any idea what I was doing' -- created the slick lettering on the ICY word. It was pretty thrilling to have it turn out exactly the way I wanted it -- almost like lettering stuck in ice cubes! Oh, the simple joys.
Bill teasing Copper with a birthday gift. He was generously allowing Copper to lick the pistachio shells.
BELOW: Direct quote: "Now, don't steal any of this. I'm going to count each slice of this sourdough bread so I'll know when I get home from work if any is missing!"
Oh, brother. He's having a hard time adjusting to 3 teenagers and an almost-teen in the house. I never expect to go for more than 2 days straight with food in the house, and he expects a loaf of SD bread to last 8 hours? Not a chance.
Copper helping Bill open his Star Trek recorded card:
Captain Kirk: "What will happen if I light all these candles simultaneously?"
Spock: "Annihilation, Jim. Total, complete, absolute annihilation."
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