Getting older never bothered me. I didn't get giddy when I left the teens, I didn't cry and sob the day I turned 30 mourning over my lost youth, and 40 didn't push me into a mid-life crisis. My first gray hair didn't find me running to Revlon or L'Oreal. Maybe it was my general outlook that helped me through these decades. The past was to be celebrated and learned from, and the future was also something to celebrate, a clean slate ready to be written and scribbled upon -- not by others, though that sometimes happens, but by decisive, purposeful actions on my part. And to be honest, birthdays always justified buttercream frosting and ice cream.
Monday I turned 50. Although my personal growth has been exponential over the past 5 years or so, I'm still the same girl yesterday and will be the same girl tomorrow. But if you look at my life in decades, it's in the span of time where I see the differences. My patience and compassion have deepened. My awareness of divine blessings has sharpened. It has become easier to let go of the unimportant. My external hide has become more durable, yet I can still be sensitive. My voice has become stronger. My courage has reached new levels of stamina and my self worth has blossomed inside to a full bloom. It was my own personal school of hard knocks that spurred the beginning of these changes. If I could only pick one thing that I've learned this past year, it's that some specific trials are given to us because nothing else could challenge me outside that realm. Having this nugget of knowledge has made all the difference. It's helped me to act instead of react. It's helped me to repel toxicity instead of absorb.
I want to declare in writing that I have LOVED my life so far. You may think that's any easy statement for me to say on this side of divorce, but I truly feel that every decade has been full of choice opportunities and blessings. Even amid ugliness and hurt, I was still able to earn my Associate's degree. I was still able to mother in meaningful ways. I was still able to help others. I served my community and church in different capacities. I was still given opportunities to travel near and far.
Monday as I soared 30,000 feet above the earth on my way to South Africa with my sister Rikki, I had a profound sense of calm and contentment. If I never set foot on another airplane, it would be perfectly okay. I have traveled many, many places across the globe in my 5 decades, far more than I ever thought possible when the desire to travel reared its head when I was 17. My picture history is full of wonderful places, memories of sights and sounds, pleasant and unpleasant smells, and feelings of delight, colorful experiences, beautiful strangers and instant foreign friends. I hope that my opportunities to travel aren't over, but if the change in my circumstances dictate that sacrifice . . . I'm totally okay. I cherish where I've been and know that in these adventures I've lived a fuller life than many. I LOVE my life.
