If I Could Choose a SuperPower, I Would Cheat Time. . . Maybe

It was an illusory feeling standing at the foot of my son’s hospital bed, watching him struggle for breath through his mouth, painfully trying to swallow discharge down a swollen throat, nose stuffed full of splints, tubes and cords snaked all over his chest and arms and legs.  I’ve never had to see any of my children in this scenario, and a sense of helplessness washed over me.  For so many years of his life I’ve been around to cradle and cajole, to influence and irritate, to discipline and direct, to help and to harass, a constant source (and force) in his life to reckon with.  Isn’t that a mom’s job?  To shepherd a lamb along until they become self-sufficient and independent?  Even though this surgery was elective to help his sleep disorder, I was a little anxious as he signed his name to the anesthesiology form, outlining a myriad of side effects, including death that could happen in the next 2 hours.  This is the part of mothering that I don’t like.  I can’t ease the pain, I can’t accelerate the healing and I can’t make time move faster. I can’t do anything proactively to influence the situation.  The only thing I can do is be here, letting him see my face as he drifts in and out of consciousness, as the minutes slowly tick by, as the hospital noise and traffic beat their routine drum. I hope I still have that steadying influence in his life to at least let him know he’s not alone here.

 

We consciously chose this bridge, and there’s no skipping steps to get to the other side.  Things will work out okay and eventually he will heal up and be back on his proverbial feet.  But the urge to cheat time and skip ahead is real.  One of life’s lessons, I think.  Sometimes there is no way around, under, or over a problem – the only way is through.  Sometimes the path is so painful that we forget that there are learning opportunities open to us along the way.  Unpleasant realities happens to us – whether by our own choices or someone else’s – and our test (and opportunity) is to overcome our natural tendency to have a knee-jerk reaction, choosing instead to be proactive and consciously choosing a better way.   One of the purposes of this life is to be different when we get to the end.  If I don’t allow these hard things to soften my rough spots and chisel away my sharp edges, then what’s the purpose of life?   To float along at a leisurely pace and skate through life is against our very natures.  We were meant to thrive, to climb, to explore, to examine, to stretch.  To thrive means there has to be something to overcome, to climb means there's got to be a mountain, to explore means that there must be uncharted territory, to examine means there must be some unknowns to try to understand.  Get the picture?  If not, then well, we’d still be content to live in caves.

My divorce is moving slowly.  In this situation I also want to cheat time and skip ahead.  I feel like I’m in a time warp and each day is a trek through glutinous gel.  I wade through uncertainty, impatience, small stages of anger, exasperation, and just general weariness as I slog through the mud.  And oh, the mud.  My STBX walked away from mediation and the settlement that was put on the table, and if I felt sorry for him before, that was nothing to what I feel now.  It is beyond my understanding how an intelligent man could make the choices he does.  I felt like my settlement was more than generous – only 5-1/2 years of alimony, when legally I could have asked for 29.  I wasn’t out for blood, I wasn’t out to strip him of assets in retaliation for his actions that betrayed me and my family.  I tried to keep a level head, just wanting out yet needing to feel secure enough for a few years to establish a self-supporting career and to finish college.

I keep finding assets that were not disclosed and the holes he’s digging for himself just keep getting deeper.  It seems his only way to respond is to plan escape routes to avoid consequences.  Every new thing I discover ramps up my protective wall, urging me to fortify my weak places.  I’m working hard to keep spite and anger and fear out of my decisions.  It would be easy to fall into these emotions and act from this premise.  What’s keeping me grounded is the desire to be able to look in the mirror at the end of this and not be ashamed of my decisions.  I’m being sorely stretched and squeezed.  The last thing I learned was that he’s intending to get me kicked out of my home very soon, and of course I had a spark of fear.  Not that I wouldn’t have a place to go – but it’s just one more “power play” to manipulate me and the system.  I know he’s hurting and I know he’s angry, but I just wish he’d kick someone else once in awhile.  I wish he’d blame someone else once in awhile.  I wish he’d own up once in awhile.  This is why when I'm tired I sometimes wish I could cheat time and just skip ahead. 

Thank goodness I know how to regenerate and rejuvenate myself.  When I'm thinking clearly I can envision a stronger woman on the other end, determined more than ever to actively heal the damage.  On the other end I will actively build up weak skills that would hinder a future relationship.  I can develop added strength (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) from jumping these hoops and hurdles that are set before me now.  These words are easy to say, and don't minimize the difficulty of what lies ahead, but I have faith for a better future and life.  And I know I don't stand alone and that "the way is prepared" for me to overcome whatever is ahead.  There's purpose and healing there, so instead of wishing "this" away or wishing for a "free pass", I will remember what I'm here for and soldier on, trying to tackle each step with integrity.  I can rely on God's help and the power of the Atonement.  I am his daughter and He will keep his promises.

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IMPERCEPTIBLE

I’ve been having a rough time with my physical goals lately. I’ll get in a good rhythm, then fail. Good rhythm, fail. Good rhythm, fail. When you have behavior like that, what follows for me is a lot of bad self-talk, disgust, lack of motivation, feeling-like-a-failure binge eating, and other destructive-types of behaviors – thankfully not all at the same time.

On a particular morning, after I’d missed yet another workout before work, grumbling at my lack of discipline, I noticed my back in the mirror. And it’ll probably be mostly women here who will relate, but there’s always been a nice – did I just write nice? -- little bulge by the bra-line. Some call it bra bulge, back fat, bra fat, underarm flab or back bulge…you get the picture. What caught my eye this morning, was the lack of bulge. Lack, ladies. Not perfectly toned and honed, not the disappearance of, but the lack. Yes, it seems that over time I really have been making progress. I was so astonished I caught myself just staring…. Was this a trick of the light? How come I hadn’t noticed this before? Well, I know why. It’s not often I look over my shoulder in the mirror for a peek.

What followed was an Ah-Ha for me, as I realized that just because I get out of rhythm, doesn’t mean that it takes away every minute of work I’ve put into something. Sometimes it feels that way and the negative self-talk tries to convince me otherwise, but it’s not true. My hard work evidence is still there, and if I keep standing back up, getting back on the wagon, rolling out of bed in the morning, making best choices 80% of the time – those changes are going to come – even if imperceptibly.

That goes for other areas of our lives as well. We are not super-humans and do everything right all of the time. We are mortals who have weaknesses and shortcomings, up days and down days. But while working on those weaknesses, if we slip and digress, we don’t go back to Square One. As reminded in a blog post I read the other day called “Drops of Awesome,” when we are actively on a good path, we are building, not taking away. It’s such a better frame of mind to applaud your good choices, rather than guilt yourself for the failures. In our want-it-now world, exercise faith that imperceptible changes are happening over time.

One more piece of evidence – I’ve been ‘out of rhythm’ getting to the gym since April. This morning? Made it to cycling. And guess what? I blasted out 16.5 miles! That is not only a new threshold for me, but I beat my best more than a mile :0) Imperceptible changes are happening in my strength that I didn’t even recognize. I worked hard in the class, but I wasn’t expecting mileage like that. I just kept going. The instructor in her usual upbeat banter told us that there was strength in our legs that we didn’t know about. Guess what? She was right. Imperceptible…. but still there. Read more!